Hey guys,
Devin and I recently celebrated our second anniversary! Even though we have many years to enjoy and grow together, I realized that I’d grown a lot myself in these past two years. I am not the stubborn and quick-witted girl I use to be. God has worked in me through this marriage to make me more loving, kind, humble and selfless.
I still have a lot of growing to do (not always selfless), but I am excited and looking forward to what God will be teaching me in this new year of marriage with my lovely husband.
We all go through different trials and have different lessons God needs to teach us. Marriage is supposed to be one of those ways to bring you and your spouse closer to God. And without God, you won’t grow closer to each other. Therefore, I wanted to share with you guys what I have learned and what joys and obstacles brought me to this point. In hopes that what I share can bring you guys closer to God and help in your journey with marriage.
Lessons I learned in the two years I have been married
1. Marriage takes hard work
Romans 12:9-10(NIV)
9 Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. 10 Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.
You may have heard the phrase that marriage takes hard work, maybe more often than not too! I know I heard it quite a lot before I got married. To most of us this statement can seem negative or discouraging but honestly, it is just a simple way to put that marriage isn’t just cuddling up at night and having fun. Instead, marriage is so much deeper and fulfilling. It brings you closer to God by being a companion for one of God’s children.
Just like Paul told the Romans, we must be devoted to one another. This means God is calling us to look out for others more than we look out for ourselves. To show true selflessness is hard, especially when you are called to do it every day and for someone who you feel should be showing selflessness to you. I know I struggled (and still struggling) to grasp and show this to my husband. As I grow in this marriage, however, I realize that selfless love is becoming more and more my go-to response and thought process.
In marriage, I found that there are times where you have to put your feelings and desires aside and look out for what is best for both parties. This can mean cooking meals that both you and your spouse like instead of cooking a meal that you love but your spouse can’t stomach. Or spending money for bills instead of buying that new purse you’ve been eyeing. These are straightforward examples of selflessness in companionship, but it can be related to more more profound things too.
Whatever the circumstances are, selfless love is always the answer. It will honor and bring you closer to God, it will make your spouse love you more, and indeed pay off for just seeing and feeling your spouse, and you grow stronger together.
2. It takes two to fight
Proverbs 15:1(NIV)
1 A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
When I was younger, I thought that if I did not respond to bitter, harsh words with the same tone, I would show that I am weak. I believe that some of us may have that same understanding when it comes to arguing. However, through marriage, I have learned that answering with harshness never solves anything. Instead, my husband and I would be carrying on an argument for what felt like hours when all I wanted to do was cuddle and watch a movie!
I realized that the statement “two wrongs don’t make a right,” was more valid than ever for me and eventually, I started asking God to help me with this bad habit I had developed. For some time, I still felt like it should be Devin that answers gently because he is my husband and shouldn’t be harsh to me. But somewhere along the road God spoke to me and told me that it starts with myself. That I determine the outcome I want by how I respond, hence Solomon’s statement above.
So I started speaking gently even when I was boiling with anger (when you look back you try to figure out why you were so angry in the first place). When I spoke gently, my husband would start to calm down and before we knew it; whatever petty argument we were having was resolved, and we were popping popcorn and picking a movie to watch.
So always remember that in every relationship it takes two to fight, strive to be the one that makes peace and not war.
3. Agree and be on the same page with everything
Ecclesiastes 4:9-12(NIV)
9 Two are better than one,because they have a good return for their labor: 10 If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. 11 Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? 12 Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
Obviously when you are married; God puts two completely different people together as one. So there must be a reason why he does that right (there are many reasons but let’s focus on one for right now). He knows that we are stronger together, which means that one can encourage and help the other.
Therefore, it is vital to agree or be on the same page with every decision and action that is made. Like I said it isn’t just you anymore, you have to think of the other person. This can be easier said than done because our first instinct is to feel frustrated when the other person disagrees with you. I have learned that being strong-willed can be good and bad in different situations. There has been plenty of times where I felt my ideas and wants were right and better than my husband’s. However, through prayer and asking God to guide us to do his will, sometimes my feelings were not what He wanted.
With difficult decisions or even the smallest ones that you can’t seem to agree on, I suggest both spouses pray together and ask God for guidance, humility, and wisdom. Eventually, you learn your spouse so well that you know how they will respond to a particular situation and can make a unified decision without all the lengthy discussions. Yay to growing older, wiser and closer to each other and God!
4. Respect your husband
Ephesians 5:22-23 (NIV)
22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.
This can seem like a hard and controversial statement. However, respecting your husband means that you are completely equal and just as wise as him. God gave men and women different roles to play. Your husband’s role is to use God-given wisdom to guide his family (including you, not just the kids) on the path that God has for you guys. Now, this doesn’t mean you can not state your opinion, or you are not supposed to have a say in decision making. This means knowing that your husband has his family’s best interest at heart.
There have been times where my husband and I have disagreed strongly, and he eventually came around and agreed with my views, and everything turns out as planned. I am just saying that you should not ignore your husband’s wishes. This can mean not going out with friends on the weekend when he wants you home. Or not spending money on a particular item he thinks you should hold off on. He is not trying to be controlling or mean, he probably just rather spend alone time with you or maybe he is worried about bills.
The key to respecting your husband is to understand his point of view. Understand what he is trying to say and what he wants. Men are not exactly talkative (like women could be) and may have a hard time expressing their feelings. I learned what certain statements mean when Devin says them. I make sure to ask specific questions just to clarify that we are on the same page. Once I know why my husband wants certain things, it makes it a lot easier to fulfill his wishes.
5. Its okay to do things separately
Romans 12:6(NIV)
6 We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us.
This probably was one of the hardest lessons I had to learn through this marriage. I love spending time with Devin and love learning and doing different activities with him. However, somewhere along the line, we started to lose that desire to spend every waking moment by each other’s side. The passion didn’t plummet or anything, it just was different from when we first got together.
For a long time, I did not want to accept that I wanted to do my own thing or even admit that Devin wanted to do his own thing. Eventually, I had to pray about it because it turned into little bickering sessions when we were trying to make time for our activities. God told me that Devin and I are different and that is okay. We all have our gifts and talents, and therefore that makes us unique to God’s purpose. If we can not accept that we have different hobbies and likes, then we can not fulfill God’s plan. God also showed us that it does not mean that we love each other any less because we have our hobbies.
Eventually, Devin and I realized and accepted that its okay that I want to stay home and read my book while he goes and works on fixing an engine (Devin loves fixing and working on mechanical machines). Or it’s okay that he doesn’t want to bake cookies with me. Or it doesn’t take anything from our relationship when I rather do some yoga stretches while he goes jogging. We work so much better now that we do our things when the time is right, rather than forcing the other to be a part of something they do not want to be doing. Also, we have more time to focus on what God’s calling is for us individually.
6. Never hold a grudge
Colossians 3:13(NIV)
13 Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
Grudges never work in a marriage. Forgiveness is key to a happy and lasting relationship with your spouse. We are called to be just like God and forgive because He has forgiven us through Jesus’ ultimate sacrifice. However, forgiveness is a difficult thing to accept and can either be the downfall of yourself and marriage or the building blocks for a healthy marriage.
The most important and probably the only thing that can help with forgiveness is a continuous prayer to our Father to help us overcome the anger and betrayal you may be feeling. Forgiveness is an everyday occurrence when you are married because your spouse can and most likely will do something that frustrates or upsets you daily. These things can be very minute, but it is still necessary to forgive quickly so you can move on.
Imagine, holding grudges makes for bitterness and discomfort for both parties involved. He didn’t remember to call you on his lunch, so you are going to decide not to call him back? No, you have to forgive and give him the benefit of the doubt and think he just got so busy that he didn’t have the time. He would be so happy to hear from his love during the workday.
Do not let grudges stop you from growing closer to God or prevent you from living a truly happy and fulfilling life with your spouse.
7. Love unconditionally
1 Corinthians 13:4-7(NIV)
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
When you get married, two different people are trying to navigate an entirely new journey in their lives. No one is an expert on marriage or being a spouse. Therefore, there will be disagreements, feelings hurt, angry moments and a lot of fun and laughter along the way. Do not let these little obstacles make you love your spouse any less.
You ever heard the saying “I love you, but I do not like you right now” (or something like that). Well, my marital journey started something like that. I have never stopped loving my husband, but sometimes I didn’t want to like him. However, God calls us to love unconditionally. He doesn’t stop liking us because we fall short of His glory every day. So why should I stop liking Devin because he made a mistake?
I have learned to refer back to this verse everytime that Devin is unlikable. It has helped me to remember that he is only human and so am I. Therefore; it shows me that I must love him no matter what happens.
8. It is the small things that count
Proverbs 14:1(NIV)
1 The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.
I have never been a person who likes getting expensive gifts, especially from my husband. I find more meaning in how Devin speaks to me every day, how he looks at me, how he spends his time with me. His behavior towards me on a daily basis is what really matters to me in my marriage. And guess what, I soon realized that he appreciated the small things too!
Eventually, I noticed that Devin had a much easier morning when I made his coffee for him and got his clothes ready for work. I realized he turned from tense and tried to calm and relaxed when walking into a clean and cozy home. I realized how he would tell me he loved me after eating his favorite meal I prepared for him. All of this showed me that he responded with love and joy when I showed him I cared for him by doing the small things.
By being a friend, creating a relaxing home and showing him you are his helper; makes a husband feel secure and loved. Therefore, growing the strength and love in your marriage.
9. Always speak kindly
Proverbs 15:4(NIV)
4 The soothing tongue is a tree of life, but a perverse tongue crushes the spirit.
Life can get tiresome and frustrating at times. With all the household work, taking care of kids, trying to juggle self-growth and maybe an outside job, all while trying to make time to be loving to a husband can be overwhelming at times. You may not even notice that your answers are sharp or harsh to your husband.
I realized I was falling into this trap that can ruin a relationship between husband and wife. God showed me that I was uptight on my frustrating days. Thankfully he taught me before it was too late! So I am here to say; always remember that the tone you address your husband or anyone in can make a difference in how they look towards you.
I mean a husband doesn’t want to come home to a grumpy wife. He looks forward to coming home to a breath of fresh air. Someone to take away whatever stress he had to face at the workplace, someone to show him love and comfort. That is what a wife is supposed to be. I try to strive to be kind in whatever I am saying, and if I do make the mistake of snapping, I make it a point to apologize and make amends.
10. Take it all to God
Philippians 4:6-7(NIV)
6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
We may think our husbands are supposed to be our night in shining armor; he is fantastic in so many ways right? He protects you, comforts you, and provides for you. However, he is only human and does and will forever make mistakes that will hurt or frustrate you. We all do it to ourselves and others, and that is human.
What we need to be careful of though is not to put him on a pedestal. This can cause big problems when we realize that he can not fulfill our every need. Only our Lord can! This was a little difficult for me to come to grips with early in our marriage, but God gently spoke to me one day while praying over Devin. He told me not to go to Devin but to come to HIM. It was an amazing revelation, and after that, I prayed for God’s will in all situations concerning Devin and I. And when I am confused or frustrated with Devins reactions, instead of arguing with him I would go to God and ask for guidance.
Our Lord truly has impressive ways of guiding us and giving us exactly everything that we need. We need to trust and obey him in the process!
Final Thoughts
Marriage is an amazing blessing to be given in life, and it must be worked at every day with love and selflessness to make it what God has it to be. Through his grace and guidance, any marriage can experience a life full of happiness and love.
I hope that this post has shared a little bit more about me, my marriage and how I view things in life. I also hope that this post will inspire others that might be struggling or experiencing what I went through not to give up, to always love instead of hate and to put God in the front of everything in life.
If you guys have any other lessons you all learned through marriage, please share them in the comments below.
Until next time,
yasmin rose xoxo
